Colts to Distribute NFL-Compliant Bags

to ticket holders, that is. Good news for anyone still reeling after the NFL's somewhat bizarre decision to ban bags and whatnot from stadiums, but I'm still worried about this 'safety – to protect everyone from certain death' slant. I can imagine this, in 50 years:

Today, the NFL has announced that fans wishing to watch their players play on our eye-sensitive televisions – from a remote distance, of course – will have to wear NFL approved earmuffs at all time, to minimize the harmful effects loud noises might cause. Also, running backs are no longer allowed to move at speeds exceeding 5m/s; once again, this will protect their safety. A $5 million dollar fine will be implemented for all violations.

The above comments were said with absolutely no sarcasm, just like this concluding blurb.