The inimitable Roy Hobbson joins us once again to chime in on the latest missive from Bob Kravitz.
Hey there, knowledgeable football dorks!
Remember when the Colts suffered those soul-stabbing playoff losses in 2004, 2005, 2007, 2008 & 2009??
Those were miserable affairs, each one of them! And then to make matters worse, all you Colts nerds would predictably go into your football nerd workshops (aka YOUR MOM’S POWDER ROOM, PROBABLY) and watch game-tape and belt out 46,000 word analysis explaining how the Colts’ failed to DVOA their DYAR and/or their ALY as their Yards Per Drive Index something something YPA blah blah blah.
I wasn’t really paying attention, holy smokes, you guys were such nerds! You and your quote-unquote “advanced statistics” and “logic” and “analytical reasons” explaining those gruesome defeats.
I NEVER BOUGHT INTO ANY OF IT.
And as it turns out, neither did Bob Kravitz.
No, friends — Bob is having none of your nerdy nerd-talk. Try as you might, he will DYAR his foot up your ass if you so much as whisper some of your mathematical gibberish in his direction. That is because Bob KNOWS that each of those losses can be explained in much, much simpler terms:
It was Karma, obviously. Of course it was.
All of it. Karma killed the Colts, year after miserable year, with its Karmatic Wrench or its Candlestick of Fate. (In the den, usually.)
Because as Bob points out, those Colts of yore foolishly kicked Karma in the nads by routinely resting their starters in meaningless games, until one day Karma was all “Enough is enough, nitwits! I WILL SMITE YOU GOOD!”
Which is exactly what He did. In the Super Bowl, Karma karmed the hell out of Hank Baskett and the rest was miserable history. If only Basket hadn't been so exhausted from the extra playing time, everything would have been different.
Damn. Karma is one cold mother.
This supernatural, mystic, almost divine
pretend explanation suits me just fine for the most part because I am a lazy dullard and analyzing math-y science stuff makes an ouchy in my brain bone, and I do not care to read it.
However, I must add that as spot-on as Bob's analysis is, he did leave out other critical factors in the Colts losses that must be mentioned here.
There are other totally rational explanations and equally sane reasons that, along with Karma, account for why the Colts have not won a Super Bowl since the 2006 season:
Sam Hornish left INDYCAR after winning the 2006 Indy 500, and he was pretty much the glue that kept the Colts franchise together.
My then 3-year-old son dropped a hilarious F-bomb, angering the Gods, so they unfairly are punishing ME. (Sorry, all the rest of you! My bad!)
Chipotle came to Indy, but they unwisely chose not to serve queso, which naturally created “THE CURSE OF THE QUESO-LESS STEAK BURRITO,” because queso-less burritos are worse than North Korea & pediatric gonorrhea COMBINED. Only the Fever will win championships in this town moving forward, per the will of the Universe. Thanks a lot, ChipotlA-HOLES.
The iPad was invented, and many Colts players bought iPads and have been mightily distracted playing “Where’s My Water?” on their iPads.
You monsters let “United Skates of America” go out of business/get shut down by the authorities — BOTH THE EAST AND WEST RINKS!! — and this city has been shrouded in a tangible sense of gloom and despair ever since, and that negatively affects the Colts players.
And so forth and so on, there are other reasons too, but these make up the lion’s share.
These and Karma.
Only Bob and I seem to know the truth, it seems.
The rest of you geeks need to get on board, because this season is different! It is full of wonderment and magic and not DVOA-ish nerd talk!!
Wait, what's this? Now you are telling me that Bob says no it is not magic?
You know, sometimes Bob relies entirely on the supernatural realm, other times he shuns it in earnest, YOU JUST NEVER KNOW! That's what makes Bob great. The amount to which he is willing to depend or not depend on magic in any given story is highly variable. He always keeps me guessing.
With Bob as Ryan Grigson's own personal guide to the supernatural, the Colts will be sure to go all the way.
I'll see you all in New Orleans in February…just so long as the pixie dust keeps sprinkling.