Roy Hobbson Goes All FJM on The Worst Article Ever Written

No time for pleasantries, you guys. We have ourselves a WHOPPER here – from Houston lunatic-writer Chris Something-or-Other, who finds it very distasteful and gross that Colts fans haven’t revenge-murdered Andrew Luck yet, as an homage to Peyton, perhaps?? We are not entirely sure.
 
Also!! Denver people miss Tim Tebow more than we miss Peyton, that too is central here, because it proves…something. Something connected to how Luck is even allowed to eat at St. Elmo’s(?), and other…things…that on the whole, will make your brain shrivel up into the shape of an incoherent Bjork song and cause you to die a sad death, alone and confused.
 
TO THE FIRE JOE MORGAN MACHINE, EVERYONE!!
INDIANAPOLIS — Luck mania greets you as soon as you step off the plane. There it is for sale in the airport gift shops — women's T-shirts suggestively reading, "Let's Get Lucky."
Andrew Luck gear is available in adult male and kids' sizes too.
 
Women’s shirts AND men’s & kids’ shirts??!? It's like the International Airport of CRAZYLAND, I tell you.
 
In fact, Luck junk is the only individual athlete merchandise you can buy in the Indianapolis airport.
 
[buys a Tony Kanaan hat in the IMS store]
 
It's stunning how quickly the rookie quarterback from Stratford High School and Stanford has taken over this Midwest town.
 
It’s stunning how people don’t hate/want to strangle a superstar NFL quarterback who is humble and cool and very very good at football, what does this have to do with anything?
 
It's like no quarterback existed before this supremely-schooled, ultra-composed 23-year-old came along.
 
No. 18? Who's that?
 
[…?...]
 
"People don't even talk about Peyton Manning anymore," Colts fan Irene McReynolds tells me. "Unless it's too wonder if Andrew can be even better than him.
 
"I never thought I'd see the day."
 
Chris Baldwin Steps of Journalism Thingies:
1.    Seek out figment of one’s imagination;
2.    Get made-up quote from non-existent person, preferably a JUICY made-up quote!;
3.    Base entire article on juicy quote, and also anecdotal evidence from airport gift shops if possible!;
4.    Write stuff about the airport stuff and juicy quote or whatever; and,
5.    Get $$$$$$$$$
 
She shouldn't be seeing it this soon. Indianapolis is showing just how fair-weather a sports town it is, completely disrespecting the quarterback who put their nowhere hamlet on the map.
 
REAL fans always ditch their hometown team and also all of their team’s players to root for another team WHY ARE YOU SUCH FAIR-WEATHER FANS, SOULLESS INDIANAPOLIS DEMON-PEOPLE, ROOTING FOR YOUR HOMETOWN TEAM & PLAYERS CURRENTLY ON YOUR TEAM???!?!?1!? 
 
Take away a big race that isn't quite so big anymore and Peyton Manning and Indianapolis would be as minor league a sports town as you can get.
 
“Take away the Indy 500 – and also the NFL franchise and the NBA franchise and the NCAA Final Fours and the Big Ten Basketball Tournaments and the Big Ten Football Title Games and the Butler basketball games and the PGA events and the Super Bowl – and you know what? Indianapolis isn't much of a ‘sports’ town, really.”
 
Still most of its citizens have shown absolutely no hesitation in kicking dirt over the still touchdown-hot arm of Manning and going gaga for Luck.
 
This is a very bizarre assertion.
 
Never mind that Andrew Luck is mostly a game manager at the moment — way more than Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub, who often gets saddled with that label.
 
Aaaaaaaah, there it is.
 
Psychiatrists call this the “breakthrough moment” – when a mentally ill patient gets through all the clutter and baggage and arrives at the crux of the matter. So!! Keep going, shunned Matt Schaub fan who feels slighted for some reason! Let it all out!!! PROJECT YOUR WEIRD RAGE ONTO WHATEVER IT IS YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, NOBODY REALLY KNOWS!!
 
Never mind that he hasn't shown close to the brilliance that Robert Griffin III has displayed while carrying a flawed Redskins team.
 
[jots down thoughts into notepad]
 
Good good, yes! Excellent! We are making great progress here today! Luck is not as good as Schaub OR the brilliant RGIII, who carries a “flawed Redskins team!” Because if we are being honest here, all that dumb-dumb clod Andrew Luck has to do is basically NOT give food-poisoning to the FLAWLESS Colts! This is so deliciously odd and manic, you’re doing great! MORE! DIG DEEPER! KEEP GOING!!
 
Never mind that Peyton himself continues to pile up touchdown passes in Denver for what's looking more and more like the AFC's second or third most dangerous team.
 
OH, TERRIFIC! KEEP GOING, PREFERABLY WITH SOMETHING MORE BIZARRE/UNRELATED TO ANYTHING!!
 
You'll find little angst over this in Indy.
 
[applauds]
 
In fact, having visited both cities on gamedays this season, there is clearly more Tim Tebow lament (as in, why the hell is he still not here?) in Denver than Peyton concern in Indianapolis.
 
Who has time to lament when we are all busy kicking dirt over “the still touchdown-hot arm”(LOL!) of the 6-story Peyton Manning voodoo doll we built, where his children’s hospital once stood but has since been razed because fuck that guy, he totally gave Coach Pagano leukemia, probably! I BET NOBODY EVEN WEARS MANNING’S STUPID JERSEY ANYMORE, WHICH WOULD TOTALLY PROVE OUR UNIVERSAL HATRED OF HIM.
 
Sure, there are some Manning jerseys in the crowd for the Buffalo Bills game,
 
Oh.
 
but Luck is the unquestioned toast of the town.
 
Hey, we like to toast our “game-managing” shitstain quarterback/rapist(?) who is like the 73rd best quarterback in the NFL, what can we say?
 
The Colts get the win (20-13) and Luck draws all the praise. It doesn't matter that he throws for only 240 yards, marking the second time in three games that he hasn't cracked 250 yards.
 
straw man argument: (n) A rhetorical device that is meant to easily prove that one’s position or argument is superior to an opposing argument. However, the straw man argument is regarded as a logical fallacy, because at its core, the person using the device misrepresents the other person's argument.
 
I was at that game. Also, I read and watched lots and lots of analysis after that game. Not ONE person gave Luck any sort of credit for anything, nor should they have. T.Y. Hilton, though, got lots of credit. The Colts defense got lots of credit. The cheerleaders who shaved their heads got lots of credit.
 
To recap: Luck did not draw “all the praise.” Luck did not draw “most of the praise” or “some of the praise” or “any praise whatsoever, in any conceivable fashion.”
 
BUT! By all means, proceed!
 
His intangibles are off the charts, Luck's defenders — and he has a media army of them that Tebow could never grab — will tell you. Which is a nice way of saying, Please don't look at the actual stats.
 
 
Nothing’s been accomplished yet. Andrew Luck is still much more myth than reality at this point. He is a magazine cover boy propped up by others.
 
My God. No words.

To so completely disregard the memory of Peyton Manning for that is pretty classless and even more clueless.
 
Remember when Roger Clemens took the Astros to the World Series in 2005 and then Clemens went to the Yankees in 2007 and so the Astros shut down all baseball operations until the year 2011 as they mourned the memory of Clemens? That’s called “class,” you guys. That’s called “having a clue.” Indianapolis could learn a thing or two from what Houston didn’t do, but says we should do(?), I am not sure right now I am very confused. 

Luck can eat at Indianapolis iconic St. Elmo’s Steak House, which for years was Peyton’s place. But Lucas Oil Stadium wasn’t built because of this stubble-loving, unproven rookie.

 
“Luck can shop at the Fashion Mall, which for years is where Peyton shopped. But some other building that isn’t the Fashion Mall and is in no way is connected to the Fashion Mall – let’s say the Velodrome, perhaps – it wasn’t built because of this asshole rookie, so take THAT, Vern Fleming or whoever, it does not matter!! It’s called LOGIC, I REST MY CASE, JERK-FACES!!”

Indianapolis isn’t a regular in the Super Bowl rotation because of Andrew Luck.

 
Yes, this is true.

That’s all Peyton. This town should know better. It’s bit of giddy amnesia is more than a little unsettling.

 
It’s “Its,” fella. No apostrophe. As a professional & not-at-all-crazy writer, you should know better. I find your inability to string together any sort of rational/coherent/grammatically correct thoughts a little unsettling.
 
Our time is up.
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