88 Reasons We Hate the New England Patriots

1.)  This picture:

2.)  There’s dressing casual and then there’s this:

 

3.)  The mugging of the receivers in 2003.

4.)  Rodney Harrison is a cheater who is on steroids.

5.) 

6.)  They treated Vinatieri like crap.

7.)  They traded for Randy Moss, thus befouling their franchise and giving him a forum to further his gutless, honorless career.

8.) They used up Ted Johnson and threw him out like a bag of moldy tangerines

9.)  This image haunts my dreams:

10.)  Because grotesque gang violence takes place in their locker room.

11.)  Patriot fans are fair weather.  They are the third most important pro team in Boston.

12.)  They aren’t just terrible sportsmen who run up the score on other teams, but their fans actually LOVE that.  It’s a team led by a moral degenerate, supported by moral degenerates.

13.)  Belichick is the devil, and Tom Brady has sold his soul.

14.)  They disrespect the game. 

15.)  Belichick can’t even look professional, much less act that way. 

16.)  The Brady man love from Chris Collinsworth.

17.)  Bill Simmons’s Ass Face:

18.)  Boston fans propagated Manning slander because they had no real evidence that Brady was better.

19.)  The Tuck Game was the result of the correct application of the single worst rule in sports.

20.)  Tom Brady won the two most undeserving Super Bowl MVP awards of all time.

21.)  Junior Seau coming out of retirement to play for them one day after a nice ceremony in his honor.

22.)  Matt Cassell has yet to start for any team since he was in high school.

23.)  Silver, red, and blue?  Really?  Maybe that would have been appropriate if someone named Stephán had designed the American flag.

24.)  Cold Hard Football Facts bile-filled support.

25.)  Even after three titles, their fans are still whiny and delusional.

26.)  Tom Brady’s freakish dance after throwing a pointless TD against Washington up 38 in the fourth quarter.

27.)  The media celebration of Tom’s illegitimate kid that he’s not even man enough to be there for.

28.)  The way they betrayed the very Jedi that fought so hard to defend their Republic.

29.)  They cut almost their entire 2007 draft class, yet people still think they are a good drafting team.

30.)  Patriot Pat is ridiculous:

31.)  Flying Elvis is worse:

32.)  Foxborough sounds like the kind of town where pretentious jerks would take their weekend getaways.

33.)  They play in a horrible division and get to cherry pick wins off the Dolphins and Bills, who have been inept for what feels like a decade.

34.)  They went from being the model franchise to being the a-holes of football in the blink of an eye.

35.)  Belichick single-handedly destroyed the integrity of the injury report in the NFL.

36.)  They treated Drew Bledsoe like crap even though they were nothing before he got there.

37.)  If they could have covered a kick return, we’d still be hearing about how Brett Favre and Dan Marino are the same player.

38.)  Brady threw the pass to Troy Brown inside instead of out (watch Brown lean out and have to adjust to the crappy throw on the tape!), and then walked off the field screaming at Brown like it was his fault.

39.)  Drunken townies.

40.)  Only Rachel Dratch could accurately portray the women of New England:

41.)  People only think Laurence Maroney is a good back because he was drafted by New England. 

42.)  Three Super Bowl championships later and they were still bitching about Bill Buckner.

43.)  This idiot:

44.)  Tom Brady has pet goats:

45.)  They couldn’t keep their hands off Marcus Pollard. 

46.)  Willie McGinest faked an injury, changing the course of the history.  He laughed about it later.

47.)  Belichick stole a construction worker’s wife. 

48.)  Belichick looks a bit like the annoying actor who played the dad on 7th Heaven , only manages to be even more annoying.

49.)  Tom Brady’s new Gisele-induced look.  He is taking himself so seriously, that it’s actually amusing.

50.)  I can’t even have a brewsky without thinking about the Pats.

51.)  It was funny the first time they threw a touchdown to Vrabel.  Now it is just ridiculous.

52.)  Seriously, who goes for it on fourth down up 38 points in the fourth quarter?

53.)  Belichick’s poor treatment of Eric Mangini creepily reminds me of Bob Knight and Steve Alford.

54.)  I can’t even watch a Celtics game without getting irrationally angry.

55.)  They ask their veterans to play with concussions and then have the guts to ask them to re-sign for less money. 

56.)  Bob Kraft seems like a huge tool.  No factual basis for this, just an impression.

57.)  Marvin Harrison hates the Patriots.  That’s good enough reason for me.

58.)  The defense gave up 32 points in a half and yet the receivers are the ones to blame.

59.) The Pats alternate jerseys:

60.)  Compiling this list is forcing me to think about the Patriots leading to an unhealthy cycle of rage.

61.)  I actually rooted for them once.  I wanted them to beat the Rams in the Super Bowl.  I haven’t felt right about it ever since.  Thanks for letting me vent.

62.)  Belichick’s stoner son, Stephen.

63.)  You’re the offensive coordinator.  It’s fourth and two, with a minute to play, and you’ve got the perfect play to run.  Suddenly your two-way communication goes fuzzy.  Those wacky Patriots!

64.)  Ben Coates made a career out of playing the Colts.

65.)  Ty Law made a career out of playing the Colts.

66.)  Tom Brady used a sports psychologist to help him get through the anguish of being 7th on Michigan’s depth chart.  Seriously.

67.)  The experts refuse to acknowledge how horrible Belichick was in Cleveland.

68.)  Tom Brady’s five layers of Visa security.  Sure they prevent fraud, but can they prevent a random kick in the crotch?

69.)  Tom Brady’s voice has two settings:  bored and confused.

70.)  He ain’t exactly a genius either.  This was his take on the lead up to the Colts-Pats battle:  “I’m sure this week is going to be long, in a sense, to get to the game, but it’s going to go fast as well.”

71.)  Wes Welker looks and sounds like someone’s annoying kid brother.  “Go get us some more nachos, Wesley.”

72.)  Peyton Manning is friends with Tom Brady.  This is like finding out that your teacher has a second job at the grocery store.  Creepy.

73.)  Tom Brady uses eye black like a hooker uses eye shadow.

74.)  Brady signs a marginally smaller contract than Manning and the Pats fans treat him like he’s Mahatma Gandhi.

75.)  The Pats front office is too cheap to spend the money they saved.

76.)  This site makes me want to die.

77.)  The players continue to play the “Nobody respects us” card after winning 3 titles.

78.)  They won 3 Super Bowls by 9 points.  Could somebody please kick a field goal!?

79.)  This picture:

80.)  There is nothing more boring than the Patriots on a winning streak.

81.)  Brady makes just as many ads as Manning.  It’s just that he does them for weird French products we’ve never heard of.

82.)  I’ll give you one guess what his favorite Western is:

83.)  The “I like being a bad person” smirk:

84.)  It’s the 21st Century and the Patriots still have henchmen?

85.)  They also have puppet employees.  You know there’s nothing in Scott Pioli’s briefcase. 

86.)  They made us root for TO and the Dallas Cowboys.

87.)  They’ve driven some people insane.

88.)  Because this January we’ll have to come up with another 88 reasons.

 

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