It’s Gonna Happen
We at 18to88.com are nothing if not accountable. Here is a our recap of our famous preseason predictions.
Every year, we here at 18to88.com pride ourselves at making the boldest and most accurate predictions available on the internet. Our track record is unassailable. Our foresight boggles the mind and causes our readers to wonder at what mystic fount of insight we have tapped into. As you can see from past seasons, our abilities are stunning.
That’s what we hope to write next year, anyway. Submitted for your approval, 18 Bold Visions for 2009…
1. The Colts will win the AFC South
I know, I know. That’s not really ‘bold’ in the classic sense, but whatever. It’s tradition.
It’s a bingo! Indy won the South for the 6th time in 7 years
2. Joe Addai runs for 1,000 yards
The line can’t be worse than it was last year. Addai will be healthier and has his burst back. Rumors of his demise are much exaggerated
Rats! Addai did manage to gain the respect of all Colts fans with his hard running, great blocking, and ‘golden arm’, but the Colts line while better still can’t run block for crap. At least no one is debating Joe’s worth any more.
3. Jack Del Rio is fired in Jacksonville.
After being rebuffed by the Florida coach, owner Wayne Weaver will higher Urban Meyer’s younger brother Oscar hoping Jags fans won’t notice the difference. The move meets with limited success: no one notices, but only because there are no Jags fans.
Why does this man still have a job? Wayne Weaver almost canned him after the season because “of the way Del Rio treats people”. Recently, Mad Jack lashed out at his quarterback. Seriously, the fact that Del Rio can’t get fired no matter how many games he loses blows my mind.
4. Kurt Warner is suspended for 5 games after self-reporting himself for violating the Personal Conduct Policy of the NFL.
He knew he shouldn’t have rented “The Da Vinci Code” on pay per view. Roger Goodell comes down particularly hard on Warner because of his prior record for “Driving Under the Influence of the Holy Spirit”.
It’s a bingo! Warner suddenly missed a game against the Titans with what the press reported as “a concussion”. Warner then abruptly ended his NFL career announcing his retirment. 18to88 has learned the truth, however. The commissioner has given Warner a hush hush exit from the game due to gambling debts incurred from ilicit games involving “Heroes of the Bible Cards” a game similiar to Magic: The Gathering. The venerable quarterback is said to be in rehab in Pensacola, FL.
5. Tom Brady throws no more than 30 TD passes.
There are scores of reasons for this. He’s only done it once in his career. His TD totals fell the second half of 2007. He’s coming off knee surgery. Teams will play the Pats differently, forcing them to go on long drives. I personally don’t like him. You know, scores of reasons. The only reason we might be wrong: Randy Moss.
It’s a bingo! Brady threw 28 touchdowns. Against the Titans and Jags he threw 10 TDs and no picks. Against the other 11 teams he played (14 games) he threw 18 TDs and 13 picks.
6. The Houston Texans make the playoffs.
Matt Schuab celebrates so hard that he sprains his knee and can’t play in the game. The Texans run Rex Grossman out for the start and lose by 40.
Wow. Once again they let us down. The Texans managed to win 9 games, but still missed out on the playoff thanks in part to one of the worst kicking seasons in history by Chris Brown.
7. The giant scoreboard in Texas stadium is removed after it affects the kicking game too much.
What the hell were they thinking?
Surprisingly the Cowboys didn’t have any problems with the scoreboard. The prediction was almost correct, however, when Romo took a sack against the Giants in week one because he was too busy starring into his own dreamy eyes.
8. Barring injury, Tony Ugoh finishes the year at left tackle for the Colts.
We are just hoping that the injury we are barring isn’t Peyton Manning’s.
Wow, this was our biggest whiff. Charlie Johnson prooved to be a solid pass blocker, but Indy ranked 31st in the NFL in runs around left end. Ugoh did manage to see the field a few times, but never could unseast CJ.
9. Things in Denver turn ugly as owner Pat Bowlen demands to be traded in mid-November.
Apparently no one can get along with Josh McDaniel.
After a fast start, the Broncos completely fell apart in Novemeber. Brandon Marshall still wants out of town, and McDaniels ran off Mike Nolan (the D-coordinator responsible for most of the team’s meager improvement). Bowlen has to be regretting the hire already.
10. The Colts field a top 5 defense.
They were a top 10 D last year, despite massive injuries and no help at defensive tackle.
Incomplete. The Colts were 2nd in scoring defense before resting starters in the final two games. I’m not going to take credit for being right, but I’m not taking a hit on this either.
11. Brett Favre decides to unretire and returns to the help the Packers win games.
Unfortunately, he’s playing for the Vikings at the time.
Farve could be accused of a lot of things, but the Vikes beat the Packers twice, and he was great.
12. The Colts top 7 receivers will feature only two wideouts.
Both primary RBs as well as Clark, Tamme, and Robinson will have more catches than either Collie or Garcon.
Shut up. I missed on this terribly too. Granted, I didn’t know Gonzo was going down, but it doesn’t matter. I didn’t believe in Collie and Garcon, but they played well.
13. The Titans come crashing back to earth after Jeff Fisher wakes up one day and realizes his quarterbacks are Kerry Collins and Vince Young.
They lost their best player from last year’s team. They won’t win 10 games this year.
It’s a bingo. Easiest call on the board.
14. The Chicago Bears fans officially pardon the state of Indiana.
Hostilities between the bordering states had escalated in recent years due to Indiana’s sabotaging of the Bears title hopes by exporting Rex Grossman to Illinois. Jay Cutler of Santa Claus, IN makes peace between the City of Broad Shoulders and Hoosierland.
After Cutler lead the league in picks, they hate us more than ever.
15. The Pats, Colts, Steelers and Chargers team up to form a new super hero squad.
The Fantastic Four continue their domination of the AFC for the umpteenth season in a row. Tom Brady volunteers for the job of “Invisible Woman” as his modeling career becomes more than he can handle. Sometimes, he just wants to disappear and make the world stop ogling him!
Close, but the Steelers slipped to 9 wins. They’ll be back.
16. Cleveland benches Brady Quinn for Derek Anderson in week 11.
They do so hoping to raise Anderson’s trade value. The move pays off as the Buccaneers offer a box of sweatbands and the still warm corpse of Byron Leftwhich in exchange. The Browns management team celebrates getting the better end of the deal.
It’s a bingo! They switched from Quinn to Anderson to Quinn to rusty toaster. The rusty toaster has the best arm of the three.
17. Clint Session makes the Pro Bowl
Out of habit, Bill Polian immediately releases him even though his contract isn’t up.
This one isn’t on me. Session deserved that nod. He was awesome all year.
18. The Colts win the Super Bowl
Bob Kravitz writes the championship summary and is makes sure to include a subtle dig a Tony Dungy for past post-season failures. Cold Hard Football Facts writes a piece about how they’ve always loved Peyton Manning and how his dominance boggles the mind.
Oh so very close. Kravitz did take that shot at Dungy this year, and CHFF was temporarily enamored with Peyton, but in the end, we came up 15 minutes short.
The final tally:
6-11-1. Ouch. Of all of them, the one that still bugs me is the Clint Session prediction. Several more should have been right (Houston, Jacksonville). I guess it’s back to the old drawing board for next year…